Recently I made the decision to end my life

Recently I came very close to ending my life.

As a Mental Health Blogger and Mental Health Advocate, that may surprise some to most of you, as I can (for example) be found on Twitter supporting others for an inordinate number of hours (when I am not at work) I can pretty vividly recall why I came close to this decision re Suicide though.

A:I have an addiction problem. I am open and honest enough to admit I have a problem and I am currently in rehab and sitting in my room as I write this. After a botched operation and a doctor who prescribed very casually, I have developed an addiction to Codeine and Benzodiazepines, namely Tramadol, Tylex (Tylenol) and Diazepam (Valium) I was Doctor shopping thousands of Euro.. spending  months  suffering.
My only concern was getting the codeine and Valium into me, usually accompanied by copious amounts of Red Bull energy drinks and coffee.

B: I haven’t put this in writing on most platforms this blog will get pushed out to, but I figure I will now. I am a victim of Child Sex Abuse (CSA)
14-15 years old.
I cannot say any more due to legal matters. However it caused me dreadful distress.

C: I lost the love of my life to suicide. Laura. RIP, my beautiful angel on 08.08.08. Today is July 13, so ill lie down at her grave in 26 days as I do each year on the anniversary of her passing.. I
know I look daft, but I’m not down often to her grave (I am not able to handle it, regretfully)

D:Work Related Stress: This is chronic stress and is bad for 3 years long. For 15 years. I had zero sick days, in the last year, I’m over 120days.
I have tried to move laterally, but this move is being blocked and has been for the last few years.
I can’t and won’t say anymore.

End of life thoughts:
I reached the f*ck it stage. I think there are probably many ways to put it, but let’s say there’s a line of despair in the sand and it’s 100 miles away and we are a snail, the vast majority of us will never reach that line of distress in their nightmares, I had reached that point of despair and circled it, a number of times.

I wanted to be with Laura.

I’m here writing this, so I obviously am alive!!! Well somewhere along the line of despair, a gust of wind and a ray of sunshine came along and hit me and in that crippling time of hared for myself, I discovered the following -very short list of reasons to “Keep on, Keeping on”.


The High Risk of Failure

Had I tried to kill myself I would have probably been unsuccessful. Many people attempt suicide and fail at it. It’s more common than you imagine. Likely, I would have remained alive but endured horrific consequences from the botched attempt. Brain damage, paralysis, liver failure, kidney failure all could make even my then agitated anxious depressed state much much worse.

Who would be responsible for the new, ‘post-suicide attempt’ me? My parents are elderly and my brother is a dad -4 young kids. I’m not giving them me in chronically disabled state needing near round the clock time and attention..

Reason 2: Faith

I am pretty sure there’s someone or something looking over us . I hope there’s a God. Is suicide likely to be appreciated by a God? Probably not. My desire to go to Heaven, and the fear of the unknown, keep me believing that suicide isn’t something that has a green light.
Some may chalk this reason up to theological fear, I don’t necessarily agree. However faith (albeit weak-ish) kept me around long enough to get the help I needed, so I’ll take it..

Reason 3: Giving others torture

Let’s say I’m successful re suicide..
Who gets the pleasure of finding my dead body? I couldn’t do that. If I chose the same method as Laura (drowning), would the body be found?
You can’t unsee something like that. I don’t want to cause someone else’s breakdown. My dead body’s discovery would destroy whoever finds it. Period.

Reason 4: The People I Leave Behind

The ones I leave behind will miss me and never fully recover. Though I am gone, they will remain and suffer.
They will think, ‘what if I was a better mother/father/friend. They are innocent, but I will spread the burden on everyone around me. I will leave them mourning my loss and second-guessing their actions, for as long as they live. They will feel shame, guilt, doubt and regrets. Even when it gets better, Ive 4nephews and 2nieces and I’ll be casting a shadow over Christmas mornings,graduations, weddings

Reason 5: What if it Does Get Better?

If you thought the above were not the strongest reasons- what about-“Don’t do it, it’ll get better.’ The truth is, it might not always be great, but it actually can get better.

I know how incredibly hard it is when the despair is overwhelming. You just want the pain to stop at any cost. Pls consider beyond that immediate point I now argue.

If it can get better, don’t you want to see what’s possible? I do..

Now im in rehab, I’m feeling a little better, there are moments where I think there’s hope in the future and I know I want to help as many people as possible. Could I meet someone in the future? Could I have a successful career again?

I hope my list of reasons inspires you to make one for yourself. Write down the personal reasons why you shouldn’t quit.

There’ll be tough days, but there’ll be sun shining through you. I didn’t end my life. Pls don’t end yours. Find me on Twitter at endthestigma_ie.