Suicide Note, Fight Back

Hello,

Original post from Aidan. It’s been a while.

First of all, I am pretty astounded to be writing.
My big announcement was going to be a farewell.
I thought I had the i’s dotted and T’s crossed. I had dates moving back and forth and was mentioning in my Twitter – “Big Announcement”

Well my big announcement was I was killing myself, too much stress in my personal life, a lack of progress in advocating and blogging over a year.

I have typed up my suicide note. I had left it on paper on the kitchen table.

Here it is:(typed up)

“Before I start this, I’d like to move a few disclaimers please. First, what I
have done is not for attention or some
notoriety. Please don’t take this that way. Second, I’m not doing this for crass after-attention, I’m have done my bit to raise awareness for mental health. I’ve found that being raw and real about my own struggles has helped others. Third, as with any passing it’s due to mental health, the black dog primarily. I know I leave behind a lot of pain, but please know that a large part of me died when Laura took her like on 09.08.08. I accepted that, but it causes me grave distress. Please don’t grieve for me. I get peace…

I ask that you don’t treat me as a failure. I fought through CSA and addictions to alcohol and gambling and prescription medications. I am not proud of what my addictions and hence I apologise for them.

Now that that’s out of the way, here we go.

Leaving your lives: Please don’t mourn. This goes to you, my mam. I love you. I know how much you have done for me. Remember when you wouldn’t leave my side after my ruptured appendix and abscess, sleeping by my side for over a month in hospital while I was a kid.

That’s why I feel sad you have always been ashamed at me taking medication and seeing a psychiatrist. Mental health is legitimate mom. That’s what I want to talk about. The meds didn’t kill me. They kept me alive for some time.

Mental Health is a highly stigmatized topic, but my writing which horrified you was never going into a pseudo name. I was always coming out.. I was often asked for advice and I gave it. I wrote about 200 pieces in 12 months and smashed numbers, but it was not going to pay the bills as a FT career!!

Passive vs. active suicidality is something I spoke to you about when hospitalised last year x2. I say with absolute certainty I have been experiencing passive death wish. I’m suicidal now and I have been for almost 6 months now. I am not going to lie to you: a lot of mornings, I have been waking up wishing I hadn’t. The morning is the very difficult part for me. It’s not early morning blues, it’s a deeply flawed brain chemistry. It’s a series of life events one after the other. I go to work, and it wouldn’t really bother me if a slammed into me. Better to go like, certainly of mind, long note, peace.

I’d love to tell you all that it goes away after a while or you could have done something. However -No and “No” Like my anxiety and BPD, it comes and goes but never truly fades. Some days are better than others. All the right songs come on the radio, the weather is just right, my meds are right, my humor is understood. Usually though I’m unlucky. The above is rare.

Most days, depression breaks on me like a tsunami. One big wave in the morning, sometimes for an extra long time. Those days, thoughts come almost constantly. “Everyone would be better off without me” “I have nothing to give” , “I don’t matter”. “No one cares if I am here or not”. “Not a damn person I know cares”.

I love you deeply. Dad don’t go mad, but I plan to upload this too, as I want to thank my online friends. Thank you. Love you and we will see each other again. Over and out, peace beckons.

Aidan

APPENDIX

I see the error of my ways. I just had a
friend bump into me / thank me for all I’m doing and indicate I she was following closely. Her precise information made me think. She skipped on. She never knew why I was standing beside a high flowing river.

I looked at my phone and there were people looking for help (non clinical help)

I began to think of my accomplishments

I have beaten alcohol. That was a serious problem. 7 years now.

I have beaten gambling. This kills men. I am 4 years clean.

I have beaten prescription meds. The hardest of all. Benzos and opioids are like heroin to come off

I beat CSA. Chance the-encounter in 2015 helped me talk about it too.

I lost Laura. Jesus Christ, look after her. RIP

I am a suicide survivor,

I am looking at adding SafeTalk and Assist to add to my resume. The Mental Health warrior continues me and I’ll keep the note which was in pen and paper, but is now typed up.

Big Announcements are over/hyped

Aidan

The answer is a fuck load of coffee